Korean Jesus Hits Different
Would you like a side of religion with your meal?
Pushing our mini-jeep-sized stroller with my daughter in it I felt a slight discomfort in her tone. She’s getting uncomfortable which means, she is getting hungry, like her mother and I. From a comfortable strolling pace we go into the next gear and can feel the cool breeze of fall snipping at our heels. I made a quick decision to try a restaurant I was always curious about, named Ixthys.
The two small outdoor tables did not sound like a good idea where our stroller would veer into the bicycle lane. So I practically turn my blinkers on and steer into the restaurant.
We had an eerie welcome because the walls had an invasive amount of scripture, I mean the whole wall down to the sockets! Not just a cheesy welcome mat saying: “Jesus is the reason for the season” but full-blast handwritten bible verses as if any other way would have been blasphemous.
This was a self-service joint, so I grabbed two menus and gave one to my girlfriend. Before anything we decided on a bowl of rice for our daughter and would share our meals with her. Without hesitation, our speedy decision made us stick with the casual choices of bibimbap, beef bulgogi, and a few drinks. Nothing out of the ordinary, the hunger could turn to hangry any second now.
Not much verbal conversation happened. Mouthing and lip tremors matched with eye squinting and head tilting to decipher what seemed like hieroglyphics, I think our daughter did the same. A slightly uncomfortable vibe that felt more uncanny and forced, almost like a relative who recently found Jesus and hinting that you should try the same. Maybe that’s what purgatory feels like.
Quite a bit of time passed by and my daughter grew impatient, so I walked up to the cashier and asked for some cut-up cucumbers to satiate her frustration. I noticed empty jumbo jars of gochujang stacked on top of each other back in the kitchen and the cook using a fat tablespoon of it on the dish he was firing up.
The cucumbers came quickly and we started feeding our daughter, but we missed the crucial zen moment she eats without a fuss or mess. She was not having it, then came the hot rice. Once it cooled down a bit, she was not having that either. Same with her cutlery she adamantly wants control of, they kept falling down next to all the rice. After picking up the third spoon from the floor my head started twirling with the handwritten scriptures encircling and closing in on me fast. I felt like I was in a deleted scene from the movie Seven with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.
Berlin is getting to me. Your average price for meals here is great and makes it more accessible but for some reason, it lacks flavor, technique, or general culinary curiosity. Our dishes came piping hot, especially the dolsot-bibimbap as it should, and sizzled its contents in the beautiful stone bowl. My beef bulgogi tasted as if the marinade was watered-down soy sauce and there wasn’t any hint of pear or apple which I love just a smidge of, I believe it to be a heavenly combination. There wasn’t anything spiritual about the meal, it was smothered in gochujang — big time. I now understand the quantities of tubs they run through.
We shared as much as we could with our daughter to end up seeing it land on the floor, and asking for extra napkins to clean up my whole family’s reverse bibimbap. Instead in a smoking hot stone bowl, or dolsot, it was on the cool floor with its sizzle fading.
We fetched the bill and I gave a second try at picking up some more food off the floor. I didn’t want to mention anything to the staff because they were actually lovely and accommodating to us as parents. I also thought about Ice Cube, the rapper, who in the movie 21 Jump Street screams out:
“Hey, Hey! Stop fucking with Korean Jesus! He ain’t got time for your problems, he busy with Korean shit!” — Ice Cube
My soon-to-be father-in-law ate here a while ago, unluckily for him the owner handed him the bill and asked: “Do you pray?” He responded quickly, either out of fear or practicality because he lives next door with: “Everyday…”
I’m not sure if you are aware but, Korean Jesus is different. I mean take a look for yourself!
Golden jokes aside, the owner of Ixthys restaurant came under scrutiny for her extreme beliefs and parading Bible verses from Leviticus that claimed homosexuality is an abomination. In 2020 there was a Berliner Zeitung (Berlin Newspaper) article about the potential charges filed against her, and a supposed warrant was issued to (illegally) impound her hand written canvas-like religious drapery. The charges were dropped according to another Berliner Zeitung article.
The location of Ixthys is in the heart of Berlin’s gay scene and neighborhood which makes it sound even more intentional. The owner said, according to Berliner Zeitung:
“I’m very religious and want everyone to find God,” she said. “I don’t judge homosexuals but if they don’t follow God’s will then they won’t experience eternal life, just eternal hell.”
I lost my appetite for this restaurant from here on out. How would you feel ordering a meal at Ixthys?
Soju-ly yours,
The Greasy Pen.